Time to re-post and re-update my Life List – bday is coming up and I wanted to add some more things.

  1. Do Roller Derby
  2. Own at least 7 days of matching bras and panties
  3. Go skydiving (maybe this summer..)
  4. Finally learn Spanish. And brush up on my German, French & Italian.
  5. Visit Montreal and see a sunset.
  6. Send my parents on a trip
  7. Learn calligraphy
  8. Frame my g*d artwork – done! well partially, but at least the main ones I wanted framed are done!
  9. Visit Edinburgh for Hogmony
  10. Own a dog
  11. Write one of those strongly worded letters I’m always going on about.
  12. Teach a (my?) child to ride a bike / tie their shoes / blow a bubble
  13. Disconnect for a full week – no phone / net / tv
  14. Learn to knit – FINALLY
  15. See the pyramids at dusk – Orions Belt
  16. Surf in Byron Bay, Australia.
  17. Do the NYC thing: Empire State Building / Times Square / Central Park / Broadway / see an off Broadway show
  18. Hot air balloon ride (anywhere, tho definitely would like to do it over Iowa – where I first saw them)
  19. Road trip to the Grand Canyon – stopping at the tiny towns along the way (note: bring own sheets).
  20. Scuba dive – NOT in a pool or lake (preferably be certified)
  21. Plant (and keep up) an herb garden
  22. Make my own bread, routinely
  23. Sew curtains
  24. Travel to all of the places I have lived, again.
  25. Keep writing – even if just for myself, for the memories
  26. Surprise my mom on her birthday
  27. Surprise my dad on his birthday
  28. Learn to shoot a bow and arrow
  29. Throw an elaborate dinner party – in the woods, on a roof, someplace random.
  30. Take a photography class and finally learn what Fstop and ISO mean.
  31. Spend an entire day naked.
  32. Walk on hot coals (cliche? I’ll take it!)
  33. Run a mini-marathon in every state (Indiana – DOWN)
  34. Visit every state in the US.
  35. Hire a breakdancing bear
  36. Go to the top of a lighthouse.
  37. Do something utterly outrageous and grand in honor of a friend.
  38. See a rodeo
  39. Buy a beater Jeep – just old school, no top necessary.
  40. Full out decorate my bedroom – make it as awesome as I deserve.
  41. Write emails to some of the writers of blogs I read routinely – let them know they matter. Say… 10.  I’ll list em here.
  42. Catalog all my books (sound tedious? yep, but I guarantee I’ll pry love doing it. And love even more having them all on there!)
  43. Learn glassblowing.
  44. Join a wine club. – done! did this just the past Friday.
  45. Take a weekend away – high class hotel and spa. Indulge
  46. Take a weekend away – cabin in middle of nowhere. Preferably with a hot tub and write almost all weekend.
  47. Get a massage. I put it on here because I won’t do it for myself otherwise.
  48. Set up patio with lighting, more chairs and make it party-friendly.
  49. Strip and refinish grandmother’s writing desk.
  50. Buy a house.
  51. Rock an outrageous hat at the Kentucky Derby.
  52. Get a right-hand ring to celebrate paying off my student loans.
  53. Visit a black sand beach
  54. Go to Music Festivals: Bonnaroo, Rothbury, 10kLakes, Coachella, Red Rocks Concert, Lollapalooza
  55. Picnic in Yellowstone Park – picnic basket required. Yogi – optional
  56. Stomp grapes in Italy
  57. Host a movie festival for friends
  58. Watch a game at Wrigley from the bleachers

still in progress.

I now have internet at home. The possibility of this becoming a reguarly updated blog is exceedingly high.

However, at the moment I must enjoy my wrongly gotten gains and enjoy Willow. I think I have seen pieces, but never the whole thing.

Oh internets, how I’ve missed you

This weekend was good. Splendid even.

Its been awhile since I could say that. Well, say it and have it mean my weekend entailed more than sitting on the couch with the kitteh watching Battlestar Galactica. Which isn’t to say that those weekends were/are bad, just … well. I like more than that. I love to lounge with the best of them, but after awhile? I get fidgety, I get bored, I get antsy. Weekend tv marathons are a must for me while I hermit/hibernate and recover myself. But now? Game on.

Friday night involved RedFairy, alcohol, some potentially illegal substances and DiveBar burgers, which. The DiveBar burgers? BEST IN THE CITY. Hands down.
I discovered DiveBar through the expedient way of working across the street from it when I first moved to town. We’d order lunch from there, or swing by and grab a beer after work. It had a bar poker night Tues/Thurs that I started going to on a lark.  DiveBar taught me how to play Texas Hold ‘Em. I got pretty good at it too. My skills were all gleaned from the older players, who took the time to let me watch, perched behind them. I would see how they played their cards, sometimes asking why quietly and they’d lean back and tell me. Or they’d stand behind me when their game was over and watch as I played, sometimes with advice, moreoften with none. I learned slowly, but I learned. I even ‘won’ two of the games, which means I got a special chip. The chip could have bought me entrance into the Grand Ol’ Game downtown. I never went.

I’ve thought about going back and slipping back into the game. I’m sure some of the guys are still there, though more won’t be. But it’d be nice to be back in that rhythm. Another way to meet more people – to learn more about this city I’ve lived in for what feels too long.

This bar was the first place that felt like home to me. Weekend nights I’d start off at the college dance bars that were just a few miles down the road, but without fail, I’d end up at DiveBar. Entirely too far to walk, tho I imagine I may have once. More likely I just made friends and got myself there. In hindsight beyond stupid, but when you’re 22 and drunk and pretty… you disregard lessons learned when you were 5.

So Friday was bonding time with RedFairy. As much as I’ve been going through – she has been going through it tenfold. Her man and here were living together, in a house they bought together, when she realized they wanted different things. I was forunate enough to realize that about my relationship before it got to that point. Scary thing, I could have easily seen it going to that point. When you want something to work so badly…. But it didn’t get there, it didn’t work. It resulted in me, in a better living situation than I have been in years and the opportunity to go home again. Even if it was just to grab burgers.

So. Lets expound upon HS. I mentioned him briefly earlier in regards to re-connecting with a group of guy friends from HS. HS is now known as TheSinger. Since he has a habit of singing (sometimes just loudly humming) along with the radio, theme songs, background music.

TheSinger and I were friends in HS; we actually dated for about 3 months. I was 15 or 16, infatuated with the idea of an older man (he was… 22? 23?) and he was very sweet and smart. Worth nothing that I then (and now) generally preferred older men, which lead to my other friends referring to my dates who came with “walkers”. 23! Walkers! Oh har har. I’m still a li’ salty about that.

Anyhoodles. So. TheSinger and I didn’t work out in HS because … well, no one’s fault. I realized I just wasn’t that interested in him. Nothing to do with him, it just wasn’t… sparking for me, no zsa zsa zsu. It was a fairly amiacable breakup, we still hung out with the same group. Well they hung out together and they continued to let me tag along (I was the young one amongst them).  And then we all reconnected over this past summer.They saw me go through not being with NiceGuy to being with him, to not being with him.

One night in the midst of while NiceGuy and I were not together, but on our way to being back together – I was on the phone with TheSinger making dinner for him (NiceGuy, not TheSinger). In the midst of the convo a pot started boiling over, so I got off the phone rather abruptly. NiceGuy showed up shortly after and as TheSinger and I weren’t in the middle of a scintillating conversation when I abruptly hung up, I didn’t think to call him back. Which lead to him texting me the following that night “Just so you know, I’m not trying to date you”.
*scrrrr wha? I had thought no such thing, and responded with that, letting him know things were cool. That I had just gotten caught up with dinner, then company was over and said company was probably there all night, so… yeah. I didn’t call him back. No big deal. I was slightly taken aback that he needed to clarify but was okay that he did because then I knew we both were on the same page: The Friend Page.

Fast forward to this past weekend. Now, TheSinger was constantly after me to hang out, which, okay, I am awesome. And he seemed to be the planner of the group, arranging hikings, wine tastings, etc, so I thought nothing of it. Until this past week. My January’s schedule was absurd, and I knew there was no socializing in there for me – so we’d talked about hanging out in early Feb. Did our normal thing – dinner/tv. He intro’d a new (to me) tv show that I fell in love with and he left. Still on the just friends page. But the next day, I get texted asking to go to a concert. Out of the group, I’m the only one in town, so I figured he just needed company; I already had plans and couldn’t make it. So  he gets another one of the guys. That, combined with recent… something, a feeling I had, I had wondered if he was angling for a date. But he asked one of the other guys. I tell myself to stop overthinking and my ego needs to knock it off Disarming.
Another one of the guys, Tech, was having a board game party this Saturday(which both Tech and TheSinger mentioned to me) but I had babysitting duty that night.

I get a text from TheSinger on Friday, asking what time I’m babysitting and telling me to come to the party then go babysit. Well, I wasn’t up for drinking then watching someone else’s kids so I declined.
He texted me the day of the party telling me to come after, but it would be late, so again no.
Then he texted asking when I was done, he’d stop by my place for a nightcap since I missed the drinking there. Well, still no clue how late, so again, no.
I was texted on his drive home, asking me to go to a wine tasting the next day. This next day being Valentine’s Day, and he made no mention of anyone else joining us. I am again starting to overthink and wonder… I again decline because I’ve already got plans with my kittens (shopping: 2 pairs of new heels, a new wallet and a Happy Valentines Day present to me!)

I hear from him rather consistently on Sunday, but still tell my ego to knock it off and pipe down. Monday is President’s Day, a free day we have off at my company. So I sleep in until *cough*1:30. And lounge around, do practically nothing, and fall back asleep at 7:30ish. I wake up at 10:45 pretty foggy brained and planning on showering and then back to sleep. I check my phone, just in case. Four missed texts (within 25 minutes of each other). A call (two hours later). A voicemail. All from TheSinger. I shoot him a text to let him know I wasn’t just ignoring him, I’d been sleeping. He calls. At 10:45 at night. I’m still mostly asleep and hoping to stay that way.
I know somethings coming, but we both make chitchat, and then bam. He asks what I think about going out with him. Note: he does not ask me out on a specific date, but asks what I think about us going on a potential date. I turn him down (see above: still no spark, no zsa zsa zsu) and mostly, I’m just kinda surprised… and if I’m honest with myself, a little disappointed. I couch my response in terms of still recovering from NiceGuy, which while true… I also know I had seen the end coming with NiceGuy and I am ready to date someone. I just haven’t met anyone I’m actually interested in getting to know more about. I also bring up how I don’t want to date someone from within a group of my friends again. I know that my breakup with NiceGuy isn’t what caused the destruction of the Circle of Trust (our ol’ group), that destruction had been on its way for awhile, but without NiceGuy or I to keep it together… the Circle is now just Arcs.
(heh. geometry humor, my HS math teacher would be so proud!)
TheSinger and I chat for a little while longer, and then I plead off – still hoping to shower and get back to bed and sleep before 12. No such luck, I was awake till 3:30 in the morning.

I had wondered after his strong (and seemingly out of nowhere) “am not interested” text if it was a case of him protesting too much, but had been willing to take it at face value and kept things friendly. There was no overt flirting, no leading on (at least to my eyes) and yet, he felt enough of something there that he wanted us to go out.

The next day I had a text from him, wanting to know about maybe setting up a recurring event, where we could hang at his place and watch some tv/eat dinner. This rapid fire turnaround immediately put me in this frame of mind:
A) he was never that interested and is more than willing to go back to being just friends.
B) he still IS that interested and is trying to be just the best gosh darn guy friend evar.

I let him know my schedule won’t allow anything recurring like that, and that it kinda feels date-y to me. So maybe we shouldn’t, just for a little bit. He doesn’t understand how its date-y now, when it wasn’t before. I explain its because he put the date on the table, whereas before it wasn’t even a possibility. We were friends. This entire conversation has taken place over text. Its at this point he asks me to call when I’m headed home so we can chat. So I do, begrudginly, because I kinda hate having to explain myself. Especially when I think its possible I’m going to hurt someone. Hopefully within*that conversation, I finally got through to him that even tho I said no and we have never gone on a date: the parameters of our friendship have changed.

He has expressed interest and I’m aware of it (now). I feel that I have to re-judge how hanging out with him will be it. Its no longer two buddies. Its a girl and a boy. And said boy, wanted to date, to kiss, to get, the girl. That changes things. I hate that it does, but it did. I know he was hoping that it wouldn’t. But, it did.

I shouldn’t talk about staying injury free and not hurting myself, because then? Then I do.
Went out to a show last night with one of my girls, BlueFairy. Great show, entirely too many drinks (red bull / vodka / splash of grenadine), entirely too much dancing and walking around without a coat…

All was great – her bf was our DD. I do so love having a free taxi driver. Especially one that detours to Wendys. Ahhh drunk food. Got back to her place, ate, helped em move a mattress, sobered up, and went to drive home. It has been snowing a lot lately, and the streets/sidewalks are not really clear and in this area, not really even either. Down I went.  Made it to the car, defrosted it and the rest of myself and headed home.

It was a great night, exactly what my newly single self needed after two dinner party evenings. A night out on the town with booze, greasy food, and good peoples. I, of course, managed to make at least 4 new friends over the course of the evening. I also bought cigarettes (I don’t smoke… much) and was passing them out at the bar. Because why not!

And then I fell. And as I drove and I started wondering if I’d really hurt myself again and if I’d need crutches and if I did, if I would borrow NiceGuy’s again. It hit.
I missed him. I missed crawling into mussed sleepy sheets with him. Coming in from outside and how he’d wrap over and around and under me until I got warm. Waking up, slightly hungover to bad jokes and awful breath and the way he’d look at me that would break my heart. I wanted to call him. 2 in the morning on a weeknight. He wouldn’t answer. I know that sober, but then, at two in the morning…. I wanted to believe. Believe that he’d hear the phone and see my name and he would answer. That this time things would be different, he’d realize what he was letting go and he’d refuse to do it. But he never refused anything.
Except me.
I”m a fickle bitch. I know that even if he had answered and we’d had that moment… eventually I would have resented him. Resented that I had to be the one to weaken first, to bend first, to make that call. That while he missed me and we were doing this again, I was the one who had to admit that I wanted him more, first.

So I called Carrots. And I called RedFairy. And finally I called BlueFairy, the friend I’d just left, knowing she would still be awake. She talked me through the drive, up the stairs, into my safety.  I showered and fell into bed.

No regrets this morning, except a twinge in my foot and one in my heart. Because even in the stark light of day… I still want to believe that if I’d called…. he would have answered.

Coping off the fabulous Maggie Mason (www.mightygirl.net) , I present: My Life List… finally transcribed off my blackberry.

27 seems appropriate, as I’ll turn that this year, on the 27th. Maybe thats my number this year.

  1. Do Roller Derby
  2. To have at least 7 days of matching bras and panties
  3. Go skydiving (maybe this summer..)
  4. Finally learn Spanish. And brush up on my German, French & Italian.
  5. Visit Montreal and see a sunset.
  6. Send my parents on a trip
  7. Learn calligraphy
  8. Frame my g*d artwork
  9. Visit Edinburgh for Hogmony
  10. Own a dog
  11. Write one of those strongly worded letters I’m always going on about.
  12. Teach a (my?) child to ride a bike / tie their shoes / blow a bubble
  13. Disconnect for a full week – no phone / net / tv
  14. Learn to knit – FINALLY
  15. See the pyramids at dusk – Orions Belt
  16. Learn to surf
  17. Do the NYC thing: Empire State Building / Times Square / Central Park / Broadway / see an off Broadway show
  18. Hot air balloon ride (anywhere, tho definitely would like to do it over Iowa – where I first saw them)
  19. Road trip to the Grand Canyon – stopping at the tiny towns along the way (note: bring own sheets).
  20. Scuba dive – NOT in a pool or lake (preferably be certified)
  21. Plant (and keep up) an herb garden
  22. Make my own bread, routinely
  23. Sew curtains
  24. Travel to all of the places I have lived, again.
  25. Keep writing – even if just for myself, for the memories
  26. Surprise my mom on her birthday
  27. Surprise my dad on his birthday

So I hear anyways. I have an officemate on the phone with her boyfriend and another stretched out taking a nap. So blogging it is! At least for another 20/30 minutes.

So yes, this blog thing. I really do need to be more present with it. But I find myself scribbling at home with my journal and my sharpies and my multicolored pens (I’m still 13, I swear) and it just seems… easier. I’m being psuedo anon here and its harder than I thought. Because having blogged in the past, it always seems to come out. I guess I’m lucky that most of my friends don’t really read blogs or blog or get the whole concept of it? But I also feel like I miss out and that if I was around more people who wrote, I’d find myself writing more. Kind of that whole – surround yourself with people you admire type thing.

But at least I’m writing. Or scribbling, even if it is other people’s quotes who then inspire me on tangents that meander along for 3-4 pages. See what I’m saving you from!?

Brief Update: Still at same job (still kinda loving it). Was able to take on some more responsibility and realized exactly how much I could love it. Definitely not meant to be a cubical monkey, but if I have to put my time in here, so I can get out there. Well, I definitely will do this. I haven’t felt this excited for something in ages. I can be really good at my job – now it just becomes making sure that I follow through with this.
NiceGuy and I broke up. Again. But this time for real. I don’t know if I finally came to my senses or he did, but… as much as I wanted him to be PerfectForMe, he was just GoodForMe. Still necessary given some of the winners I’ve picked in the past, but I couldn’t… I just couldn’t keep beating on the locked door to let me in. Two years man. Thats a helluva long time and if you’re not in the comfort zone by then? You’re probably never going to get there. So. I’m learning to let go. Thats kind of my lesson for 2010. In with the good, and out with the bad.

That lesson is wicked hard for me, I moved around a lot as a kid, so I’ve never really had to deal with leaving people (while still in the same proximity to them). And I’m… well, I’m discovering I’m a little bit of a doormat. I agree to plans with people because they want to see me, not because I want to see them. And I’m a sucker for people when they come around – which brings me back to NiceGuy. Tho its been almost a month, I haven’t heard from him. Due to some internal changes within our group, we no longer fall together like we used to. That being said, I’m sure that we will start to in the spring again and I’m sure that there will be some regrets and some looks and probably some flirting. But I’m counting on myself (and my girlfriends where needed) to keep me from going back. If at 35 (almost 36), after 2 years with me he can’t see what I need and how compromises are needed? Not the guy for me. I do deserve someone who is as swoony over me as I am over them, and who notes the little things that I like.

So fortunately, no accidents causing harm to my person have occurred lately (its been like 3 months – WRITE THIS DOWN). But with the holidays and the rents being in town, then traveling pretty much the entire month of January – I found myself farther and farther away from this blog.

We’ll give this another shot (this is what the seventh incarnation?). Maybe this one will stick.

So I had an interesting evening last night. A few months ago, NiceGuy and Asshole were over and we were watching “Army of Darkness”. Out of nowhere, I remembered the original group of GuyGeek friends from HS, as they were the ones introduced me to that cinematic masterpiece.

Out comes the crackberry and I’m on FB searching for them.
One is in Iraq, to be back shortly (Solider).
Another still works in our HS town and lives just south of me (HS).
Another is married now, tho that was no surprise, he was always a relationship junkie (Tech).
And another just completed his divorce and now has  new live in gf, and lives just north of me (Bear).
So we set about getting reconnected.
HS and I had a nice lunch, followed by some leisurely shopping one Saturday, as well as a nice dinner at my place a few weeks later (amongst the spate of injuries and funerals that I was attending).
Solider and I have been reconnecting via email and phone (esp now that he is back in Alaska, to be home SHORTLY!!!).
And Tech and I exchanged a few phone calls and finally met up for dinner last night.

Four bottles of wine later.

Oof. Apparently he didn’t even make it to lunch, and went home after a half day. I’m still plugging away, am not quite sure why except that I am a stubborn biatch.  Each time I see these guys its been great to see them – and it was *amazing to see Tech last night. Until around the third bottle of wine. We were talking and reminiscing about old times and somehow the subject came to why we fell out of touch – SIX YEARS AGO. And he remembers it very clearly… I… do not. At all. So he proceeds to tell me his side, where yes, I was an insensitive little bitch who didn’t put his feelings very high on my list. I can only plead at this time I didn’t realize how important my friendship was to him? I was in the middle of dealing with my parents moving to another state while I was in college, holding down two jobs, two majors, and dealing with some roommate drama. I just… didn’t think. It was never anything intentional or a deliberate move to hurt him. In hindsight, I rather wish it was, so I could feel guilty and very sorry. As it stands, I’m sorry we fell out of touch, but still not.. well not quite sure what happened.
So then shortly after he stopped talking to me, I went to my parents’ new house for the summer (different state), continued to work two jobs, ended up back at school and met TheEx. The rest, as is the cliche, is history. I fell for TheEx, then came Scotland, then came more of TheEx, dealing with that bullshite, and then, then came an easy year of recovery from TheEx. Where, as I told him last night? I drank most of my pain away. Drinking and Target. Oh so hard on the pocketbook, oh so exactly what I thought I needed.

He told me last night that one of his regrets was the fact I wasn’t there to stand up at his wedding. My heart broke. Cracked right down the middle. Of course last night I was full of ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘I can only say I’ll be better going forward’. This morning, in the harsh light of day I’m wondering why he never tracked Me down if he missed me that much. I was on myspace, am still on FB. Granted, hidden, but we had enough mutual ties through high school and other friends he could have found me.

Don’t get me wrong, I definitely take the blame for the end of the friendship, I should have done more, tried harder. At the time the friendship dissolved I was 20-something halfway through college, trying to determine what I was going to do for the rest of my life and busy living it up. True to my form, all these guys were older (4-6 years is the spread I believe), so they were already out in the world and starting their lives. I was scattered to all the winds.

It leaves me with some mixed feelings. Oh so ever glad I’ve re-found this group, as they were fairly instrumental in my teens. These would be the guys who taught me to drive a stick, showed me where and how to punch someone if I was ever touched in a way that was not okay by me, introduced me to”Spaceballs” and “Army of Darkness”. And yet, if I was this important and he was that sad – how do you let someone like that just walk away? Slap me upside the head, write me a heartfelt email/letter and explain things. Shake me until I see it.

I can’t fix anything if I don’t know something is wrong.

I do feel it ended on a good note, a promise of renewing friendships and we’ll see where it goes. Of course, I am going to have to rub in his face that I matched him drink for drink and made it through work the next day. He… did not. And that of course, deserves shaming. Finally! I can outdrink em. But on that note? I think I’m pretty done with wine. For at least like a month.

So in keeping with the whole break up because of a nonsense reason / realize I’m awesome and he misses me / starts coming back like a beaten puppy cycle….  – I’m back with NiceGuy. I’ll definitely do a more detailed post coming up (but its part of the reason I’ve been away for so long).

Other reasons include: my crashing of mah bike / throwing my back out / a good friend’s younger sister passing / spraining of the TOP of my foot (srsly?) and of course, the actual reunion of me and NiceGuy. For round 3. Thats right, we’ve done this twice before, but we’re (I’m?) doing it again. Because I’m a sucker for this guy.

So last Saturday was his and I’s first ‘Come to Jesus’ talk, where I had informed him we are either friends or we’re bf/gf. None of this pansy-footing around stuff anymore. Also, if we were bf/gf I wanted-slash-needed to get flowers. A gesture if you will, something that would show me he wanted a relationship this time, a real one that comes with talks of the future and dreams and plans and actual dates and some of the trappings of a typical relationship. Some. Not all. No babies or rings or any of that kind of talk, but… you know, someone to dream with. This is huge for me. I don’t want to have to edit myself. And I found myself doing that a lot in the last go-around, not wanting to rock the boat. Well… yeah, that didn’t last. See above, I like to throw myself into situations and rocking the boat, even if it means I come with copious injuries.

So a week and a half later, after our first fight (!!! – this is also HUGE people, I’m Italian, I need to fight, so one of my worries was that he was too nice and wouldn’t fight. He does. I threw things. He calmly explained his point. I ranted. He listened. And then we got to make up. *grin)  Annnnyways, turns out he ordered the flowers on Thursday. Its mid-day Tuesday and I’m still waiting. Recap of our convo below.

me: so pumpkin pookie snookums.NiceGuy: Don’t ever call me that me: =Dsnookums is so fun to type tho Hey, anyways, you said you ordered the flowers last thursday (and whats up with me only being able to type flowers as flwoers?), still nothing. Just wanted to let you knowNice Guy: You’ll get them on saturday [ed. note: he thinks he is being funny, as he knows I’m out of town this weekend – he is the one driving me to/from the airport]
me: *crickets
: I think I can track the order…
me: its just, there is another building with a wicked similar address, and I wanted to check because: I, a- want the flowers and, b- got kinda worried that maybe they’ve just been delivered wrong? or just poofedNiceGuy: They haven’t been delivered yet so there’s a chance you’ll actually get them!What’s your name again? Hopefully I got it rightme: jackass.its Amber. duhwhere did you order flowers from? Siberia?!NiceGuy: AntarcticaVery rare flowers! You’ll have to keep them in the freezerme: was there an estimated delivery date? do i get to enjoy them before i leave for [redacted]? =Pi know you wanted surprise and all.NiceGuy: Yes. Yes[10 minutes later]NiceGuy: That’s weird. Someone sent me flowers. They were just delivered… me: i hate you so much.NiceGuy: They’re from me! I’m so sweetme: evil evil evilNiceGuy: You should get them today. UPS. Hopefully they aren’t mangledLast time I use 1800flowersme: yeah. just do a local florist NEXT TIME buddy❤ *mwah

Reminder men: always use a LOCAL florist when you’re trying to get the girl back.

Am not feeling like typing anything I said I was going to. So. Moving on.


I went this year, first year. And it was totally worth it. Having now been to Rothbury / Bonnaroo / Lollapalooza, I have to say Bonn is at the bottom. They will have to have an AMAZING line up for me to go next year – I’d rather toss my money to the hippie fest at Roth and then go rock out at Lolla.

Even with the weather starting as cold / rainy / uninspiring – I saw some fabulous shows and made some awesome new friends. Though I will say that I often felt like the odd one out. Which is impressive given that I was staying with Carrots (as in she is Carrots and I’m Peas – we go together!). It was a mini reunion of sorts for her friends she studied with in London. All 3 of them live in Chicago or NY, and then there is me – semi-big city in MidWest. Not famous by any means, but not horrible either. Its cheap to live here, I can afford to go out drinking and have a car and indulge my shoe fetish when I wish. But I definitely felt… which one of these is not like the other.

So I did what I do, which is to say – I made friends whenever I could. Talked with strangers in line, on the L, on the bus, at the festival. And I shared what I could – sunscreen, water, shade. Its what you do. And that is part of what makes me who I am. Even though I definitely felt… well not looked down on, but they thought it was “cute” that I did that. Whatever, I find comfort in talking with strangers, identifying, even if just for a moment that you shared an experience with them. Be it a smashedclose L ride or an amazing concert.

So Fri/Sat/Sun all became a blur – a fantastic blur filled with some of the  people I love best in the world and some seriously great new music that I was so excited to see live and so close.

Shows I saw (so I can remember):

Friday: Bon Iver / Ben Folds / Fleet Foxes (!) / The Decemberists / Kings of Leon

Saturday: Gomez / Arctic Monkeys / Santigold / TV on the Radio / Ben Harper / Yeah Yeah Yeahs / Bassnectar

Sunday: Back Door Slam / Bat for Lashes / Portugal. The Man / Kaiser Chiefs / Vampire Weekend / Passion Pit / Cold War Kids / Snoop Dogg / Silversun Pickups / The Killers

It was exhausting and exhilarating and every time I sit down to write about these type of weekends, words fail me. Rothbury was probably one of the most profound instances I’ve ever had – just the combination of the company and the music and general fantasticness was great.

Lolla wasn’t quite there – but the music (and the ability to take showers every night and sleep in a real bed) was beyond amazing.

I took the bus home on Monday, sun-dazed and music-soaked. And back to the real world. I will say that these festivals reminded me of passion and creating and oh how I needed that wake up call.

Its okay to believe in Prince Charming, but you have to believe in midnight too.

disarming (adj): tending to allay suspicion or hostility; winning favor or confidence siren (noun): a seductive or tempting woman, esp. dangerous or harmful


brett dennen

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