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Coping off the fabulous Maggie Mason ( , I present: My Life List… finally transcribed off my blackberry.

27 seems appropriate, as I’ll turn that this year, on the 27th. Maybe thats my number this year.

  1. Do Roller Derby
  2. To have at least 7 days of matching bras and panties
  3. Go skydiving (maybe this summer..)
  4. Finally learn Spanish. And brush up on my German, French & Italian.
  5. Visit Montreal and see a sunset.
  6. Send my parents on a trip
  7. Learn calligraphy
  8. Frame my g*d artwork
  9. Visit Edinburgh for Hogmony
  10. Own a dog
  11. Write one of those strongly worded letters I’m always going on about.
  12. Teach a (my?) child to ride a bike / tie their shoes / blow a bubble
  13. Disconnect for a full week – no phone / net / tv
  14. Learn to knit – FINALLY
  15. See the pyramids at dusk – Orions Belt
  16. Learn to surf
  17. Do the NYC thing: Empire State Building / Times Square / Central Park / Broadway / see an off Broadway show
  18. Hot air balloon ride (anywhere, tho definitely would like to do it over Iowa – where I first saw them)
  19. Road trip to the Grand Canyon – stopping at the tiny towns along the way (note: bring own sheets).
  20. Scuba dive – NOT in a pool or lake (preferably be certified)
  21. Plant (and keep up) an herb garden
  22. Make my own bread, routinely
  23. Sew curtains
  24. Travel to all of the places I have lived, again.
  25. Keep writing – even if just for myself, for the memories
  26. Surprise my mom on her birthday
  27. Surprise my dad on his birthday

So I hear anyways. I have an officemate on the phone with her boyfriend and another stretched out taking a nap. So blogging it is! At least for another 20/30 minutes.

So yes, this blog thing. I really do need to be more present with it. But I find myself scribbling at home with my journal and my sharpies and my multicolored pens (I’m still 13, I swear) and it just seems… easier. I’m being psuedo anon here and its harder than I thought. Because having blogged in the past, it always seems to come out. I guess I’m lucky that most of my friends don’t really read blogs or blog or get the whole concept of it? But I also feel like I miss out and that if I was around more people who wrote, I’d find myself writing more. Kind of that whole – surround yourself with people you admire type thing.

But at least I’m writing. Or scribbling, even if it is other people’s quotes who then inspire me on tangents that meander along for 3-4 pages. See what I’m saving you from!?

Brief Update: Still at same job (still kinda loving it). Was able to take on some more responsibility and realized exactly how much I could love it. Definitely not meant to be a cubical monkey, but if I have to put my time in here, so I can get out there. Well, I definitely will do this. I haven’t felt this excited for something in ages. I can be really good at my job – now it just becomes making sure that I follow through with this.
NiceGuy and I broke up. Again. But this time for real. I don’t know if I finally came to my senses or he did, but… as much as I wanted him to be PerfectForMe, he was just GoodForMe. Still necessary given some of the winners I’ve picked in the past, but I couldn’t… I just couldn’t keep beating on the locked door to let me in. Two years man. Thats a helluva long time and if you’re not in the comfort zone by then? You’re probably never going to get there. So. I’m learning to let go. Thats kind of my lesson for 2010. In with the good, and out with the bad.

That lesson is wicked hard for me, I moved around a lot as a kid, so I’ve never really had to deal with leaving people (while still in the same proximity to them). And I’m… well, I’m discovering I’m a little bit of a doormat. I agree to plans with people because they want to see me, not because I want to see them. And I’m a sucker for people when they come around – which brings me back to NiceGuy. Tho its been almost a month, I haven’t heard from him. Due to some internal changes within our group, we no longer fall together like we used to. That being said, I’m sure that we will start to in the spring again and I’m sure that there will be some regrets and some looks and probably some flirting. But I’m counting on myself (and my girlfriends where needed) to keep me from going back. If at 35 (almost 36), after 2 years with me he can’t see what I need and how compromises are needed? Not the guy for me. I do deserve someone who is as swoony over me as I am over them, and who notes the little things that I like.

So fortunately, no accidents causing harm to my person have occurred lately (its been like 3 months – WRITE THIS DOWN). But with the holidays and the rents being in town, then traveling pretty much the entire month of January – I found myself farther and farther away from this blog.

We’ll give this another shot (this is what the seventh incarnation?). Maybe this one will stick.

So I had an interesting evening last night. A few months ago, NiceGuy and Asshole were over and we were watching “Army of Darkness”. Out of nowhere, I remembered the original group of GuyGeek friends from HS, as they were the ones introduced me to that cinematic masterpiece.

Out comes the crackberry and I’m on FB searching for them.
One is in Iraq, to be back shortly (Solider).
Another still works in our HS town and lives just south of me (HS).
Another is married now, tho that was no surprise, he was always a relationship junkie (Tech).
And another just completed his divorce and now has  new live in gf, and lives just north of me (Bear).
So we set about getting reconnected.
HS and I had a nice lunch, followed by some leisurely shopping one Saturday, as well as a nice dinner at my place a few weeks later (amongst the spate of injuries and funerals that I was attending).
Solider and I have been reconnecting via email and phone (esp now that he is back in Alaska, to be home SHORTLY!!!).
And Tech and I exchanged a few phone calls and finally met up for dinner last night.

Four bottles of wine later.

Oof. Apparently he didn’t even make it to lunch, and went home after a half day. I’m still plugging away, am not quite sure why except that I am a stubborn biatch.  Each time I see these guys its been great to see them – and it was *amazing to see Tech last night. Until around the third bottle of wine. We were talking and reminiscing about old times and somehow the subject came to why we fell out of touch – SIX YEARS AGO. And he remembers it very clearly… I… do not. At all. So he proceeds to tell me his side, where yes, I was an insensitive little bitch who didn’t put his feelings very high on my list. I can only plead at this time I didn’t realize how important my friendship was to him? I was in the middle of dealing with my parents moving to another state while I was in college, holding down two jobs, two majors, and dealing with some roommate drama. I just… didn’t think. It was never anything intentional or a deliberate move to hurt him. In hindsight, I rather wish it was, so I could feel guilty and very sorry. As it stands, I’m sorry we fell out of touch, but still not.. well not quite sure what happened.
So then shortly after he stopped talking to me, I went to my parents’ new house for the summer (different state), continued to work two jobs, ended up back at school and met TheEx. The rest, as is the cliche, is history. I fell for TheEx, then came Scotland, then came more of TheEx, dealing with that bullshite, and then, then came an easy year of recovery from TheEx. Where, as I told him last night? I drank most of my pain away. Drinking and Target. Oh so hard on the pocketbook, oh so exactly what I thought I needed.

He told me last night that one of his regrets was the fact I wasn’t there to stand up at his wedding. My heart broke. Cracked right down the middle. Of course last night I was full of ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘I can only say I’ll be better going forward’. This morning, in the harsh light of day I’m wondering why he never tracked Me down if he missed me that much. I was on myspace, am still on FB. Granted, hidden, but we had enough mutual ties through high school and other friends he could have found me.

Don’t get me wrong, I definitely take the blame for the end of the friendship, I should have done more, tried harder. At the time the friendship dissolved I was 20-something halfway through college, trying to determine what I was going to do for the rest of my life and busy living it up. True to my form, all these guys were older (4-6 years is the spread I believe), so they were already out in the world and starting their lives. I was scattered to all the winds.

It leaves me with some mixed feelings. Oh so ever glad I’ve re-found this group, as they were fairly instrumental in my teens. These would be the guys who taught me to drive a stick, showed me where and how to punch someone if I was ever touched in a way that was not okay by me, introduced me to”Spaceballs” and “Army of Darkness”. And yet, if I was this important and he was that sad – how do you let someone like that just walk away? Slap me upside the head, write me a heartfelt email/letter and explain things. Shake me until I see it.

I can’t fix anything if I don’t know something is wrong.

I do feel it ended on a good note, a promise of renewing friendships and we’ll see where it goes. Of course, I am going to have to rub in his face that I matched him drink for drink and made it through work the next day. He… did not. And that of course, deserves shaming. Finally! I can outdrink em. But on that note? I think I’m pretty done with wine. For at least like a month.

So. Summer Oh-Nine. Seems as good a time as any to give this whole blogging thing a go. Again. I think this is like my fourth start. Probably another false one, but hope springing eternal and all that. I feel like I always try to start these in the summer months.. wonder what that means.

Hopefully, this is different, a lot more like when I started the original, the legend. I want to write more, to stay in the habit – so I can look back at these days and remember. And so can others (perchance with careful editing).

I’m alone now.
I have my own apartment.
Very. Own. Apartment.

Its something I was never sure I would do, but always knew I wanted to. And when my relationship with NiceGuy was going so well and my relationship with GuyRoommate deteriorating, well, the new apartment came about rather quickly.

Granted it is me, so even quickly there were file folders and notes and copies of floor plans and visits. But we found it, and like all my big life decisions I knew when I walked in. It was more than I had wanted to spend / budgeted for – but was cheap enough I could budget for it.

So without further ado, I let GuyRoommate know I was moving out and managed to cajole all my boys into helping me move (damn sprained ankle). We got everything done in a weekend. Granted the unpacking took a little longer (and by took a little longer I mean still going on).

And I’m not quite settled yet. Not sure I ever will fully be.  The best part about it all? Also known as the most overwhelming part of it all – is that it is all mine. No one else to shuck blame onto, no one else to tell me not to paint something. All mine to have and to fuck up.

So NiceGuy. That probably deserves another entire post. Let’s see what else to catch you up on.
–         Nice Guy
–         Driving Debacle
–         MusicalTheater’s latest exploits
–         My Life List (I wanna be like Maggie when I grow up)
–         Parentals Visit
–         Bonnaroooooo
–         Canoe Trip

Long story to come – NiceGuy and I broke up. Again. But I think for good this time. Given that what I’ll need for a Round III from him includes a trench coat, boom box, and potentially some fake rain outside my bedroom window… and I know him – so that will never happen.

However, since the break up there has been contact by at least three ex-boyfriends to me. WTF, I no longer have myspace and I *never check my facebook profile, did an email alert go out? Is there a blog about my dating life that I’m just not checking? Cuz seriously, I could use some dish about some peoples.

Anyways, without fail, contact by these people never fails raise emotions and questions and… and.

I’m alone now.

After over $300 in repairs – my laptop is back up and running… albeit without several programs I used to have. I guess I’ll go the wait and see route. This is the third time I’ve had to do this – replace the hard drive (tho this time I did it on my own as the warranty has expired). stupid hp. And yes, I do continue doing this. Thank god for external hard drives and back ups.

Anyways, I’ve stopped writing this blog on my work computer, because, well, you get fired for that. And my desktop downstairs is rather communal… and I haven’t *quite decided to go public yet. This is more for myself. Which you would think would mean I would write more, and yet..

Lately I’ve been dealing with relationships. And failure. Two things I struggle with.

A very good friend and I have parted ways and as much as I try to examine the why.. I keep coming up blank. All I can do is know that I tried. Not as hard as I could have, because well, I had reached my end point. I was done putting everything in time and time again – this was it. I don’t know if she realized that, or if she ever will. I hope, one day, she figures out what she needs. Not just what she wants.

Another good friend has caused me to lose a lot of respect for her. I am coming to terms with the fact that I have very high expectations of people. Expectations that I know I myself don’t always meet. Cheating, for those who know me, is something that I don’t tolerate well. Even if I am not involved in the relationship – because once upon a time I was. And I know the carnage that can come from that. She has stayed with her man despite his infidelities, yet, as they get closer to a milestone in their relationship, she is the one who strays. I look, and I want to tell him. I know its not my place, but it just reminds me of how I felt when I did find out – I wondered who knew, who would keep something like that from me… I know that it is just a physical manifestation of her unhappiness, but why does she keep putting herself in that position. Just escape.

Escape. If only it were that easy. TheEx and I did something very stupid over the 4th. We met up. Admittedly there was a free concert nearby, an artist both of us adore – one that sang “our song”. But meet up we did, and it only caused conflicting emotions for me. For him – I’m not sure. I do know that while two weeks before we met up he was trying to reopen our conversation line, and now… now, hes leaving it up to me. And I’m not sure what to make of it. I think I’m happier when he is nowhere in my life. But not as happy as when he was In my life. I can’t do the friend thing, I will always want more. He was my best friend for so long, we connected so strongly – it seems… disrespectful to try to pretend we’re just buddies.
We aren’t.
We never will be.
He has offered to move, when I get transferred (something I’m hoping to have happen in the next year, and is a subject for another post). He has said he will go with me. He said as much when I talked about grad school, last year, when he and I were still doing the “talking”, but not dating stage.
Maybe my best move is to cut ties. Clean break, like with the first friend. But how does one walk away from someone who holds your heart? I’ve already lost part of mine to her this summer; can I afford to let him take more?
I’m afraid I already have.

I wish I could stop seeing relationships that end like this as failure. Intellectually I know its not that, its merely one person moving on, probably doing something great for themselves. Lately, I have found my comfort in writing. (The personal diary, not here) In my cat. And in random people I work with.
There are times when it is easy to get so bogged down in how you think people view you, you forget of other viewpoints.

The hardest thing about living here is that my parents, my rocks, my tie to myself, live so far away. I often lose myself. I did that a lot last year, and I didn’t like who I turned out to be.
24 – I’m going to be selfish. I’m going to do what I want, what is best for me, what I need to do.

That may be letting her go. Letting that be our last words, and letting the memories fade.
It may be writing one last letter, so I can say my piece and feel that I truly have done everything.
That may be allowing a friend to make her own mistakes and remain her rock.
It may be telling a friend I think her behavior is shameful and that there has to be more behind it than several beers and lowered inhibitions.
That may be showing up on his doorstep and demanding…
It may be cutting him out.
Once again, for good.

I can’t seem to stop writing today. Its actually rather odd. I think part of myself is filled with anxiety over the pending trip to my alma mater.

One of my very good friends, Carrots (as in she and I are like Peas and Carrots), graduates on Sunday and as such, I am headed back this evening to celebrate with her. The plan was for last weekend, but due to a friend freak-out, I remained home.

This weekend, tis do or die. She heads to Alaska for six months (phenom!) and if I want to see that smile again, road trip it is! Last time I visited, I had to pull over five miles outside of the quaint little town that houses my alma mater and sob. The last time I had been there (at that point), was my graduation. When Ex and I were on a temporary break and I was on a break down. If my parents hadn’t showed up and literally sat by me while I finished a few papers and projects, its entirely possible I would not have graduated. I have never been that low in my life, and never intend to let myself get that low again. The death of my relationship, combined with the  end of my after graduation plans (move in with Ex), the stress of graduation, and the fact my best friend of three years and I were in a stand off (I disliked her boyfriend, she despised mine – three years later, they’re both gone and she & I now live in the same town) all combined to just make it too much. Too much. Thankfully my amazing parents seemed to know and came into town 5 days early, to help pick me back up. I could not have done it on my own, but it was exactly what I needed.

Anyways, I sat by the edge of town and sobbed, upset with myself (I was then, with a job I hated, not paid well, and did no real use there), upset that my last memories of a place I loved so much, for so long, were tainted by the demise of a relationship, upset that I felt I had failed so many friends and teachers. The curse of an only child – I love to please people. I get more upset when I fail someone than when I fail myself. In my major, I was always told that I would go on, I would do something. That *I* would be something. Nothing like graduating with two degrees and not finding a job that would use your degrees, oh, ever. This trip, I anticipate to be much better. Now that I’ve gotten over the horrible hump of the first trip back. Almost like seeing an ex again for the first time – and now, now I have new memories. Then: I ripped the oil pan off my car. ($600 and 3 days later I finally got out of town. This was when I was working hourly, so I was also out 2 days of work.) And I was sick, during mid-terms, so I’m sure my Carrots loved having me lounge on her pull out couch and cough, sneeze and read my way through her nights. But now.

ow is spring.
I will NOT be driving the same road that raped my car. The Ex is no longer an issue (or at least as big of one). I have a job that still doesn’t use my degrees, but does use me. A roommate who continuously make me better. A cat that reminds me what love truly is. And friends, friends who let me know that me, as myself, is quite possibly one of the best things ever. I am happy.
I am proud of myself.

And I can’t wait to show it off.

Half of my co-workers are pregnant.

I make that impressive, but my “department” consists of four people. So 2 of them are pregnant. 2 were engaged, but one broke it off. That leaves 2 crazy single people.

But, by proxy, we get to go through pregnancy – they crave ice cream? We all get it! They want to determine the sex of their child via the needle test? We all try.

The needle test is as follows. Thread a needle, about 10 inches of thread. Do not tie. Hold the needle above your left hand, palm down. Hit the needle in the web of your thumb & forefinger twice. Not like a pendulum, just tap it.

Then turn your palm over and let the needle settle and hold steady above the center of your palm. It will take a few moments for it to move. Eventually it will start to move either back and forth or in a circle. If you wait, the motion might change.
Back and forth – boy
In a circle – girl

My test came out boy, followed quickly by a girl. So my needled paused for awhile, then moved back and forth, then switched to circle.

I quit then, because I really only want two kids.

NOT that I have any intention of having children anytime soon. Hell, I’ve just finally gotten to the point where I am even remotely open to the idea of the R-word.

It’s been over two years since the Ex and I have broken up. Admittedly, we had a relapse last year. And I’ve dated, slept with, fooled around, gotten numbers, even had two guys say “I love you”. And I’ve not emotionally connected, not in the same vein as the Ex, with any of them. (Don’t worry, those stories will come) I’ve been fond of several, and wanted more. But with the Ex there was always an unspoken bond. We were each other – just male/female. I was a little younger, he had some learning to do. But I thought we would grow together. It’s 4 years later and hes still the same person he was when we started dating.

I’ve recently cut him out of my life, blocked him on the infamous myspace, deleted him from my email, blocked him from the phone & instant messaging. As best I can. I thought moving out of state would take care of it. It didn’t. So maybe this cut off of all contact will do it.

Especially as he always seems to pop up, JUST as I’m starting to move on, or reach another level with a relationship. I know I allow it, as it keeps me from having to move forward… or let someone else in.

But anyways – apparently. Eventually. Sometime down the road.
A Boy, then a Girl.


Its okay to believe in Prince Charming, but you have to believe in midnight too.

disarming (adj): tending to allay suspicion or hostility; winning favor or confidence siren (noun): a seductive or tempting woman, esp. dangerous or harmful