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So. Lets expound upon HS. I mentioned him briefly earlier in regards to re-connecting with a group of guy friends from HS. HS is now known as TheSinger. Since he has a habit of singing (sometimes just loudly humming) along with the radio, theme songs, background music.

TheSinger and I were friends in HS; we actually dated for about 3 months. I was 15 or 16, infatuated with the idea of an older man (he was… 22? 23?) and he was very sweet and smart. Worth nothing that I then (and now) generally preferred older men, which lead to my other friends referring to my dates who came with “walkers”. 23! Walkers! Oh har har. I’m still a li’ salty about that.

Anyhoodles. So. TheSinger and I didn’t work out in HS because … well, no one’s fault. I realized I just wasn’t that interested in him. Nothing to do with him, it just wasn’t… sparking for me, no zsa zsa zsu. It was a fairly amiacable breakup, we still hung out with the same group. Well they hung out together and they continued to let me tag along (I was the young one amongst them).  And then we all reconnected over this past summer.They saw me go through not being with NiceGuy to being with him, to not being with him.

One night in the midst of while NiceGuy and I were not together, but on our way to being back together – I was on the phone with TheSinger making dinner for him (NiceGuy, not TheSinger). In the midst of the convo a pot started boiling over, so I got off the phone rather abruptly. NiceGuy showed up shortly after and as TheSinger and I weren’t in the middle of a scintillating conversation when I abruptly hung up, I didn’t think to call him back. Which lead to him texting me the following that night “Just so you know, I’m not trying to date you”.
*scrrrr wha? I had thought no such thing, and responded with that, letting him know things were cool. That I had just gotten caught up with dinner, then company was over and said company was probably there all night, so… yeah. I didn’t call him back. No big deal. I was slightly taken aback that he needed to clarify but was okay that he did because then I knew we both were on the same page: The Friend Page.

Fast forward to this past weekend. Now, TheSinger was constantly after me to hang out, which, okay, I am awesome. And he seemed to be the planner of the group, arranging hikings, wine tastings, etc, so I thought nothing of it. Until this past week. My January’s schedule was absurd, and I knew there was no socializing in there for me – so we’d talked about hanging out in early Feb. Did our normal thing – dinner/tv. He intro’d a new (to me) tv show that I fell in love with and he left. Still on the just friends page. But the next day, I get texted asking to go to a concert. Out of the group, I’m the only one in town, so I figured he just needed company; I already had plans and couldn’t make it. So  he gets another one of the guys. That, combined with recent… something, a feeling I had, I had wondered if he was angling for a date. But he asked one of the other guys. I tell myself to stop overthinking and my ego needs to knock it off Disarming.
Another one of the guys, Tech, was having a board game party this Saturday(which both Tech and TheSinger mentioned to me) but I had babysitting duty that night.

I get a text from TheSinger on Friday, asking what time I’m babysitting and telling me to come to the party then go babysit. Well, I wasn’t up for drinking then watching someone else’s kids so I declined.
He texted me the day of the party telling me to come after, but it would be late, so again no.
Then he texted asking when I was done, he’d stop by my place for a nightcap since I missed the drinking there. Well, still no clue how late, so again, no.
I was texted on his drive home, asking me to go to a wine tasting the next day. This next day being Valentine’s Day, and he made no mention of anyone else joining us. I am again starting to overthink and wonder… I again decline because I’ve already got plans with my kittens (shopping: 2 pairs of new heels, a new wallet and a Happy Valentines Day present to me!)

I hear from him rather consistently on Sunday, but still tell my ego to knock it off and pipe down. Monday is President’s Day, a free day we have off at my company. So I sleep in until *cough*1:30. And lounge around, do practically nothing, and fall back asleep at 7:30ish. I wake up at 10:45 pretty foggy brained and planning on showering and then back to sleep. I check my phone, just in case. Four missed texts (within 25 minutes of each other). A call (two hours later). A voicemail. All from TheSinger. I shoot him a text to let him know I wasn’t just ignoring him, I’d been sleeping. He calls. At 10:45 at night. I’m still mostly asleep and hoping to stay that way.
I know somethings coming, but we both make chitchat, and then bam. He asks what I think about going out with him. Note: he does not ask me out on a specific date, but asks what I think about us going on a potential date. I turn him down (see above: still no spark, no zsa zsa zsu) and mostly, I’m just kinda surprised… and if I’m honest with myself, a little disappointed. I couch my response in terms of still recovering from NiceGuy, which while true… I also know I had seen the end coming with NiceGuy and I am ready to date someone. I just haven’t met anyone I’m actually interested in getting to know more about. I also bring up how I don’t want to date someone from within a group of my friends again. I know that my breakup with NiceGuy isn’t what caused the destruction of the Circle of Trust (our ol’ group), that destruction had been on its way for awhile, but without NiceGuy or I to keep it together… the Circle is now just Arcs.
(heh. geometry humor, my HS math teacher would be so proud!)
TheSinger and I chat for a little while longer, and then I plead off – still hoping to shower and get back to bed and sleep before 12. No such luck, I was awake till 3:30 in the morning.

I had wondered after his strong (and seemingly out of nowhere) “am not interested” text if it was a case of him protesting too much, but had been willing to take it at face value and kept things friendly. There was no overt flirting, no leading on (at least to my eyes) and yet, he felt enough of something there that he wanted us to go out.

The next day I had a text from him, wanting to know about maybe setting up a recurring event, where we could hang at his place and watch some tv/eat dinner. This rapid fire turnaround immediately put me in this frame of mind:
A) he was never that interested and is more than willing to go back to being just friends.
B) he still IS that interested and is trying to be just the best gosh darn guy friend evar.

I let him know my schedule won’t allow anything recurring like that, and that it kinda feels date-y to me. So maybe we shouldn’t, just for a little bit. He doesn’t understand how its date-y now, when it wasn’t before. I explain its because he put the date on the table, whereas before it wasn’t even a possibility. We were friends. This entire conversation has taken place over text. Its at this point he asks me to call when I’m headed home so we can chat. So I do, begrudginly, because I kinda hate having to explain myself. Especially when I think its possible I’m going to hurt someone. Hopefully within*that conversation, I finally got through to him that even tho I said no and we have never gone on a date: the parameters of our friendship have changed.

He has expressed interest and I’m aware of it (now). I feel that I have to re-judge how hanging out with him will be it. Its no longer two buddies. Its a girl and a boy. And said boy, wanted to date, to kiss, to get, the girl. That changes things. I hate that it does, but it did. I know he was hoping that it wouldn’t. But, it did.

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So I had an interesting evening last night. A few months ago, NiceGuy and Asshole were over and we were watching “Army of Darkness”. Out of nowhere, I remembered the original group of GuyGeek friends from HS, as they were the ones introduced me to that cinematic masterpiece.

Out comes the crackberry and I’m on FB searching for them.
One is in Iraq, to be back shortly (Solider).
Another still works in our HS town and lives just south of me (HS).
Another is married now, tho that was no surprise, he was always a relationship junkie (Tech).
And another just completed his divorce and now has  new live in gf, and lives just north of me (Bear).
So we set about getting reconnected.
HS and I had a nice lunch, followed by some leisurely shopping one Saturday, as well as a nice dinner at my place a few weeks later (amongst the spate of injuries and funerals that I was attending).
Solider and I have been reconnecting via email and phone (esp now that he is back in Alaska, to be home SHORTLY!!!).
And Tech and I exchanged a few phone calls and finally met up for dinner last night.

Four bottles of wine later.

Oof. Apparently he didn’t even make it to lunch, and went home after a half day. I’m still plugging away, am not quite sure why except that I am a stubborn biatch.  Each time I see these guys its been great to see them – and it was *amazing to see Tech last night. Until around the third bottle of wine. We were talking and reminiscing about old times and somehow the subject came to why we fell out of touch – SIX YEARS AGO. And he remembers it very clearly… I… do not. At all. So he proceeds to tell me his side, where yes, I was an insensitive little bitch who didn’t put his feelings very high on my list. I can only plead at this time I didn’t realize how important my friendship was to him? I was in the middle of dealing with my parents moving to another state while I was in college, holding down two jobs, two majors, and dealing with some roommate drama. I just… didn’t think. It was never anything intentional or a deliberate move to hurt him. In hindsight, I rather wish it was, so I could feel guilty and very sorry. As it stands, I’m sorry we fell out of touch, but still not.. well not quite sure what happened.
So then shortly after he stopped talking to me, I went to my parents’ new house for the summer (different state), continued to work two jobs, ended up back at school and met TheEx. The rest, as is the cliche, is history. I fell for TheEx, then came Scotland, then came more of TheEx, dealing with that bullshite, and then, then came an easy year of recovery from TheEx. Where, as I told him last night? I drank most of my pain away. Drinking and Target. Oh so hard on the pocketbook, oh so exactly what I thought I needed.

He told me last night that one of his regrets was the fact I wasn’t there to stand up at his wedding. My heart broke. Cracked right down the middle. Of course last night I was full of ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘I can only say I’ll be better going forward’. This morning, in the harsh light of day I’m wondering why he never tracked Me down if he missed me that much. I was on myspace, am still on FB. Granted, hidden, but we had enough mutual ties through high school and other friends he could have found me.

Don’t get me wrong, I definitely take the blame for the end of the friendship, I should have done more, tried harder. At the time the friendship dissolved I was 20-something halfway through college, trying to determine what I was going to do for the rest of my life and busy living it up. True to my form, all these guys were older (4-6 years is the spread I believe), so they were already out in the world and starting their lives. I was scattered to all the winds.

It leaves me with some mixed feelings. Oh so ever glad I’ve re-found this group, as they were fairly instrumental in my teens. These would be the guys who taught me to drive a stick, showed me where and how to punch someone if I was ever touched in a way that was not okay by me, introduced me to”Spaceballs” and “Army of Darkness”. And yet, if I was this important and he was that sad – how do you let someone like that just walk away? Slap me upside the head, write me a heartfelt email/letter and explain things. Shake me until I see it.

I can’t fix anything if I don’t know something is wrong.

I do feel it ended on a good note, a promise of renewing friendships and we’ll see where it goes. Of course, I am going to have to rub in his face that I matched him drink for drink and made it through work the next day. He… did not. And that of course, deserves shaming. Finally! I can outdrink em. But on that note? I think I’m pretty done with wine. For at least like a month.

Its okay to believe in Prince Charming, but you have to believe in midnight too.

disarming (adj): tending to allay suspicion or hostility; winning favor or confidence siren (noun): a seductive or tempting woman, esp. dangerous or harmful

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