They say before you can truly fall in love you have to have had at least two relationships.

One where you get your heart broken. And another where you break someone’s heart.

Now, I have several things to break down within that idea. What if you get your heart broken and also break someone’s heart at the same time. Cuz I’ve done that.

I’m sure I’ve bruised someone’s heart since and I know I’ve had mine bruised back. But as far as broken? There really was only the one. Its possible I just haven’t let anyone get that close since (possible, hell, I know its true). And the one I wanted to let that close showed little to no interest in scaling those walls and seeing whats behind. At least, not in the way I was used to seeing.

So that has left me here. 26 and with one great heartbreak. One great love.

Not saying I want to go back to that. I look back at that relationship and think, yeesh. We were over the top, absurd and insane about each other. To the point of exclusion of almost everything else (including my studies, whoops!). And it was glorious, while it lasted.

“And I loved him, Jesus how I loved him. It wasn’t love of course, even I can see now that it was infatuation, but at the time it near enough killed me. Its so passionate, so intense, so painful, that even years afterward you still feel the hurt when you hear their name.” – Jane Green, Straight Talking

After TheEx I went back to my old ways, dating around, finding guys who fit the niche that I need them (my sports guys / arty film guys / casual Saturday guys), until NiceGuy – we were just always hanging out together, even if he didn’t do my music or my artier stuff, we spent most time together. It was kind of natural that we fell the way we did.

Also natural that we fell apart the way we did. Its still hard. Its by no means as hard as TheEx – I couldn’t even bear to look at his picture / emails / blog / etc for over a year after he and I ended. NiceGuy, we’re doing the friends thing, or at least trying… Sometimes with his hair all mussed and still sleepy… it kills me to not lean over and plant one on him. Or nestle myself right into that crook where I know I’ll fit just so.

I really need to step up my game on this. I’ve already got a long list of more to post – and haven’t even finished my last list.

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