You are currently browsing the monthly archive for July 2007.

After over $300 in repairs – my laptop is back up and running… albeit without several programs I used to have. I guess I’ll go the wait and see route. This is the third time I’ve had to do this – replace the hard drive (tho this time I did it on my own as the warranty has expired). stupid hp. And yes, I do continue doing this. Thank god for external hard drives and back ups.

Anyways, I’ve stopped writing this blog on my work computer, because, well, you get fired for that. And my desktop downstairs is rather communal… and I haven’t *quite decided to go public yet. This is more for myself. Which you would think would mean I would write more, and yet..

Lately I’ve been dealing with relationships. And failure. Two things I struggle with.

A very good friend and I have parted ways and as much as I try to examine the why.. I keep coming up blank. All I can do is know that I tried. Not as hard as I could have, because well, I had reached my end point. I was done putting everything in time and time again – this was it. I don’t know if she realized that, or if she ever will. I hope, one day, she figures out what she needs. Not just what she wants.

Another good friend has caused me to lose a lot of respect for her. I am coming to terms with the fact that I have very high expectations of people. Expectations that I know I myself don’t always meet. Cheating, for those who know me, is something that I don’t tolerate well. Even if I am not involved in the relationship – because once upon a time I was. And I know the carnage that can come from that. She has stayed with her man despite his infidelities, yet, as they get closer to a milestone in their relationship, she is the one who strays. I look, and I want to tell him. I know its not my place, but it just reminds me of how I felt when I did find out – I wondered who knew, who would keep something like that from me… I know that it is just a physical manifestation of her unhappiness, but why does she keep putting herself in that position. Just escape.

Escape. If only it were that easy. TheEx and I did something very stupid over the 4th. We met up. Admittedly there was a free concert nearby, an artist both of us adore – one that sang “our song”. But meet up we did, and it only caused conflicting emotions for me. For him – I’m not sure. I do know that while two weeks before we met up he was trying to reopen our conversation line, and now… now, hes leaving it up to me. And I’m not sure what to make of it. I think I’m happier when he is nowhere in my life. But not as happy as when he was In my life. I can’t do the friend thing, I will always want more. He was my best friend for so long, we connected so strongly – it seems… disrespectful to try to pretend we’re just buddies.
We aren’t.
We never will be.
He has offered to move, when I get transferred (something I’m hoping to have happen in the next year, and is a subject for another post). He has said he will go with me. He said as much when I talked about grad school, last year, when he and I were still doing the “talking”, but not dating stage.
Maybe my best move is to cut ties. Clean break, like with the first friend. But how does one walk away from someone who holds your heart? I’ve already lost part of mine to her this summer; can I afford to let him take more?
I’m afraid I already have.

I wish I could stop seeing relationships that end like this as failure. Intellectually I know its not that, its merely one person moving on, probably doing something great for themselves. Lately, I have found my comfort in writing. (The personal diary, not here) In my cat. And in random people I work with.
There are times when it is easy to get so bogged down in how you think people view you, you forget of other viewpoints.

The hardest thing about living here is that my parents, my rocks, my tie to myself, live so far away. I often lose myself. I did that a lot last year, and I didn’t like who I turned out to be.
24 – I’m going to be selfish. I’m going to do what I want, what is best for me, what I need to do.

That may be letting her go. Letting that be our last words, and letting the memories fade.
It may be writing one last letter, so I can say my piece and feel that I truly have done everything.
That may be allowing a friend to make her own mistakes and remain her rock.
It may be telling a friend I think her behavior is shameful and that there has to be more behind it than several beers and lowered inhibitions.
That may be showing up on his doorstep and demanding…
It may be cutting him out.
Once again, for good.

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Its okay to believe in Prince Charming, but you have to believe in midnight too.

disarming (adj): tending to allay suspicion or hostility; winning favor or confidence siren (noun): a seductive or tempting woman, esp. dangerous or harmful

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