I can’t seem to stop writing today. Its actually rather odd. I think part of myself is filled with anxiety over the pending trip to my alma mater.

One of my very good friends, Carrots (as in she and I are like Peas and Carrots), graduates on Sunday and as such, I am headed back this evening to celebrate with her. The plan was for last weekend, but due to a friend freak-out, I remained home.

This weekend, tis do or die. She heads to Alaska for six months (phenom!) and if I want to see that smile again, road trip it is! Last time I visited, I had to pull over five miles outside of the quaint little town that houses my alma mater and sob. The last time I had been there (at that point), was my graduation. When Ex and I were on a temporary break and I was on a break down. If my parents hadn’t showed up and literally sat by me while I finished a few papers and projects, its entirely possible I would not have graduated. I have never been that low in my life, and never intend to let myself get that low again. The death of my relationship, combined with the  end of my after graduation plans (move in with Ex), the stress of graduation, and the fact my best friend of three years and I were in a stand off (I disliked her boyfriend, she despised mine – three years later, they’re both gone and she & I now live in the same town) all combined to just make it too much. Too much. Thankfully my amazing parents seemed to know and came into town 5 days early, to help pick me back up. I could not have done it on my own, but it was exactly what I needed.

Anyways, I sat by the edge of town and sobbed, upset with myself (I was then, with a job I hated, not paid well, and did no real use there), upset that my last memories of a place I loved so much, for so long, were tainted by the demise of a relationship, upset that I felt I had failed so many friends and teachers. The curse of an only child – I love to please people. I get more upset when I fail someone than when I fail myself. In my major, I was always told that I would go on, I would do something. That *I* would be something. Nothing like graduating with two degrees and not finding a job that would use your degrees, oh, ever. This trip, I anticipate to be much better. Now that I’ve gotten over the horrible hump of the first trip back. Almost like seeing an ex again for the first time – and now, now I have new memories. Then: I ripped the oil pan off my car. ($600 and 3 days later I finally got out of town. This was when I was working hourly, so I was also out 2 days of work.) And I was sick, during mid-terms, so I’m sure my Carrots loved having me lounge on her pull out couch and cough, sneeze and read my way through her nights. But now.


N
ow is spring.
I will NOT be driving the same road that raped my car. The Ex is no longer an issue (or at least as big of one). I have a job that still doesn’t use my degrees, but does use me. A roommate who continuously make me better. A cat that reminds me what love truly is. And friends, friends who let me know that me, as myself, is quite possibly one of the best things ever. I am happy.
I am proud of myself.

And I can’t wait to show it off.

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