One day was all it took. And he’s back and my emotional life is screwed. The Ex Im’d me yesterday – and a fairly long conversation (admittedly with pauses – I DO work at work) ensued. I stood my ground, weakened, and then *may have agreed to go see a concert by “our” artist with him at the end of June. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

I logged on this morning, with the intention of a little more e-flirting and me telling him the concert was a bad idea. And he’s not there. I sign on my other screen name (shudup, you have more than one too), and there is he. He’s blocked me? I thought HE was the one who wanted to be friends and HE was the one who swore he could keep it there. Despite the one miscommunication where I talked about the concert and he talked about sex, I was almost ready to give it another try. But he’s blocked me? Talk about confusing signals. I was the one who said I was done with him, needed to not try to be friends.

And now my mind is on overdrive.

  1. Maybe he just didn’t realize maybe his computer has me on auto-block and for whatever reason yesterday was on the fritz. He did ask what I was doing online on that name (never mind I’ve been on that name almost daily for the past month).
  2. Maybe the conversation yesterday scared him. Reminded him how easy it is for Us. Not *just to be together and talk and flirt, but how easy it is to fall back. NOT something that would be good for either of our emotional healths, nor for the two hour drive keeping us apart.
  3. He just doesn’t realize and doesn’t care.
  4. He does realize and doesn’t care.

I realize it is probably number four. But this is TheEx. The one I thought I would marry, if not two years ago, then possibly in the future when he has grown up and realized that I was the perfect one. I know that part of it is the First Love Syndrome and that I just need to Move On. But this was the guy I was introduced to with this “this is the guy you need to meet/marry/make babies with”. And I believed it. And part of me still wants to. Because part of me, still loves him. And then he Cheated. And Lied. The cheating I was able to deal with, but the lying. The lying tore at my soul. How can you do something like that to someone you love? So, after six months of trying to make it work, I walked away. I packed up and left to another state and friend’s arms. We had a slight relapse last year, and again, I realized it was dangerous and packed up and left. I’ve always been the one to cut contact, even if he was pushing for it too. It was always my decision.

And yet, still, to this day, without having responded to his overtures to talk to me in the past six months (three drunken phone calls around Valentine’s Day notwithstanding), if I’m home alone, and there is a knock at the door at a time when I’m not expecting anyone – I wonder, just briefly and not all the time, but just for a flicker… if its Him.