carry on, carry on dancing

Well, the bright point is I can stop having the dreams about flooding. The dark point is –

I didn’t get the job.

I knew from halfway through yesterday – just the way my manager looked at me. Her sad eyes. And the fact that the person who should have hired me, was more than willing to put the talk off until the following week. Tell tell signs. Never let it be said that a women’s intuition does not exisit. I am slowly learning to live my life by that. Fewer unexpected hurts.

So there is that. Which smarts, stings, and makes me angry all at once. I cried when he told me. Which makes me hurt even more. Well, I held out for a good 20 minutes. But I can only take so much of someone trying to make me feel better (you’re great! you’re wonderful! dedicated! ambitious!… but…..) until I lose it. Which of course made me feel ever more professional. In his office, hair in pig tails (damn inter-office kickball tournament), trying to catch my breath as tears streak down my face. Awesome. Also, manager? Could you please have had tissues on hand? It was a rather emotional moment, obvs.

I am debating on what method to use this weekend to ease the pain. Turn phone off, hide in room with liquor and various illegal substances? Take off to Chicago for weekend of retail therapy and tequila with Carrots? Or keep to plans, which all of sudden have the appeal of week old Mexican food? I recognize the symptoms, as I push people away. As I turn down plans or, worse, fake others. I need my time to recharge, but I need my support system too. And now, more than ever, I realize that my support system? Is not very supportive.

the flood waters will recede, the famine will end, the sun will shine tomorrow*

First just let me state, I rarely dream. Well, at least, I rarely *remember my dreams. Given all the scientific evidence – I’m sure I dream up a storm.
I mean, I have my stock pilot episodes of what will lull me to sleep; they normally involve John Mayer, deserted cabins, TheOne, world travel, and a library with always new-to-me books. Of course, not all at once, but now that I’ve typed it, why Haven’t I combined all those yet?

Anyways, [back to point] I rarely remember my dreams. And then normally only the ones from that twilight of soft morning, right before the alarm goes off and I start hitting snooze.

But last night, I had a night dream I can’t seem to shake.  I woke up at three, and honestly was afraid to go back to sleep, I didn’t want to go back there.
There was flooding. Not just general, oops a li’ water in the basement flooding, but serious evacuate the city flooding. And not just in my City, but in BigCity to the north as well. Friends from BigCity were calling me wanting to know where PodunkVillage was because that was where they were being bused.
Meanwhile, I was frantic at home/driving home, figuring out where friends were, how to meet up, piling things into my car, trying to figure out how to fit everything important AND TheCat.
I was debating what to take out of my enormous collection of books, my bed (bought off an ex and recovered by me) of the dresser my parents gave me that was part of their wedding set, the writing desk that was my great-grandmothers. I eventually came to the conclusion, after fielding frantic phone calls from everyone [in hindsight it seems to have felt more like a tsunami was coming than a flood... no rain that I recall].

I decided to stay. I live on the second floor afterall. I’d grab my KitchenAid mixer and the cat and just baracade myself in the bathroom. All I can say is that is sounded like the best idea at the time. I woke up shortly after that… though I remember more frantic phone calls and eventually me driving to the bar where all the friends had decided to hole up and wait it out.

Flooding:
An emotional overflow, possibly repressed strong emotion
Failing to take charge of your life or circumstances over a long period of time
Evacuation:
isolating yourself and holding back emotions / feeling rejected by those around you.

More than applicable to my current life.

I’ve applied (and interviewed) for a job I want so badly I can taste it. Not because I need out of my current position (which I do, I’ve outgrown it), but also because I would OWN this new position. It would put me in a place where I can go back to school, I can actually have a concrete plan for my future – including this job, school, relocation. I know I’m banking so much on this position and I am terrified of not getting it. And all I can do is wait and see (NOT my philosophy).

Also, I’ve decided to cut my “WastingTime” Guy free. We were friends before we started sleeping together, and hopefully we’ll be able to be friends after as well. Only time will tell on that one as well.  Which means I kinda have to distance myself from that group of friends. Just to let some time die down and not make it awkward for everyone (mostly myself). And BOOM – there is the fear of rejection, feeling of abandonment.

Damn and I thought I was handling both of those events *so well.

 

*Charlie Brown to Snoopy [edited]

The Fall

It was all at once.
He was everything I wanted
appearing in black and white
I was a firefly with premature wings.
no visible scars.
Proud.
We drank bottles of wine and I let him tuck a strand of hair behind my ear.
He looked at me, sipped, and I swallowed.
He wanted me in color.
I wanted things he couldn’t give me
I decided to see how long I could pretend it didn’t matter.
He told me I glowed and ran two fingers along the ridge of my spine.
I held my breath and he named freckles on my back that I’d never seen.
He thought I was beautiful and held my face still to tell me so.
I squirmed.
It was easier not to believe him.
He was
40 minutes
Late.
A handsome stranger bought me vodka cranberries
Black high heels dangling from a bar stool
I waited
40 minutes too long.
I dressed in ruby slippers and chased tornados.
He spoke another language and
I asked him to use it when he touched me.
I saw him enter my room as a thief
He wore the shirt I picked out for him and I felt invaded.
I set out books he did not bother to read
I threw him out of my bed and bought him coffee the next morning.
He refused to lie
I refused to negotiate when I was naked.
In the end when he left, I saw he’d taken nothing more than what I’d given him
The loss was spectacular.

dreaming of…